I am lost and can't seem to be able to get up enough of what I have lost to be able to find myself

I truly have lost my place, where I am , is not where I want to be. So you ask , or more than likely you don't ask because I have lost that footing. It is said that no good deed goes unpunished and that only the good die young, so where does that leave me ? I am old and perhaps out grown my time, is there a way to know this for sure. The only way I can think of is to be prevalent in today's forum. I write my posts for me because they are what I have thoughts about , at the time something happens, I see it and it effects me on many levels so I write about it, now I need to write things that are an interest to all others. Who is to say that once I can find a voice to share what others find interesting maybe then those who find that of interest will take another look at what I have a voice in already. So now I come to it, another surgery, I have not completely healed from yet. There are other surgeries that I have had that will never be the same again but that is another thing all together. These surgeries are together, TKR. Yup, TKR is Total Knee Replacement or mine should be Total Knees Replacement. About 6 months ago I had the left knee done and now Janurary 20th 2020 I will have the right knee done. Don't let anyone fool you, especially the Dr. who is doing the surgery. Not to be confused with Dr.Who , who is a cut up all of her own, at least this one is. So pain being not unlike a relative , I could certainly make a relative joke here about how much of a pain in the ass relatives are to have in your house at Holidays or most any other time but seeing as I just did I will let that rest. So, pain being relative is also subjective , one persons pain is another's torture and another's " are we there yet!" I am pretty sure you understand the latter. I am a man , so obviously I am some what callus about pain, I can stay away from tears when I close my hand in the car door or slam my thumb with a hammer, but when it comes to pain day in day out over seconds, minutes and hours filled with pain medication , that makes the day a clock watch. Everything becomes a clock watch. For the first several days the clock not only is a watch but a fiend, yeah not a friend, a fiend. Mostly because you are still in the Hospital, anyone who has spent more than just a night in the Hospital knows the truth of that. By the time you have your surgery you have given what seems like your entire life's story to every one who is within listening range and then for good measure you repeat it all over again sitting there in nothing but a tissue for a house coat to Nurses, the Anasthesiologist and maybe the Dr. just to add to the fun because it is still a ways from the time you go to the O.R. Now for the last month or maybe even more than that I have been anxious, nervous, edgy , reluctant and any other number of emotions that are associated with death and pain and loss, why it that you ask, well I did just have the other knee done 6 months ago and it is still in healing mode along with Spinal fusion with Stenosis and a new metal frame holding my spine in place where the discs were replaced, or the 3 Lung operations oh my there are more but even if you only understand 10% of it you understand enough as to why I am lost